Are We Now or Ever Were Chapter 8
Chapter 8:
Right Here With You Holding Strong
“Oh my God, Angel look at this view! It’s… wow!” Angel was giving her that smirky smile and she blushed slightly once again. “So who called?” He laughed and snatched her hand to pull her along into the bedroom.
“That’s the thing, nobody. I figured we should be here in case anything happens.” He shrugged his shoulders then slouched down on the bed.
Buffy yawned and Angel belatedly realized how late it was for them.
“Why don’t we get some sleep? If you want, I can..go sleep on the couch.” He suggested mildly.
She was surprised that he’d even suggest it.
” No way. I don’t think I can bear being in separate rooms.” She looked at the blinds. “Should you close those?”
He laughed again which Buffy noted that since they’ve been back he’s been laugh happy…odd. “Nope. Necro tempered glass. We …well I can wake up with the sun shining on me and not burn to a crisp. Big plus, I’ll wake up with you beside me with the sun on YOU.”
He had that loving look and Buffy was glad he would get to feel the way she felt when she saw human him in the sunlight. Although, Buffy knew it wouldn’t be a first for him.
Then that thought that was twitching in her mind came to fruition.
“Do you always laugh this much? And while I was basking in your mirth, you said necro what?”
~~~~~~~
After basking in bed with the sun warming his body, Angel snuggled up to Buffy’s back and put his hand on her tummy. Whispering as low as he possibly could to keep the intimate aura that surrounded them, he told Buffy, ”I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve you or this baby, but I don’t want to mess it up. I’m so honored and proud Buffy. I love you so much and I love this baby too.”
He kissed her hair and hugged her to him.
She hugged him back and smiled. Just as quietly Buffy told this loving vampire,”I love you so much. You deserve this because you’ve made so many amends Angel. So many and you have so much more that’s going to be amended. I know that God wants you to have all that you can.” She knew she said God and not the powers that be. She wasn’t sure when she started thinking about God, it must have been when Angel told her she was pregnant. Only God would be so kind. Those powers that be were pretending to be God in the worst ways.
Not wanting the atmosphere to end but knowing he needed to get the day started and tend to things in his office, he asked Buffy to stay in the apartment for awhile. “Just rest and I’ll have some breakfast sent up for you. If I don’t make it back here for lunch, ring me.” He got out of bed and Buffy immediately felt the loss. She knew she would have to get used to it, might as well start now.
~~~~~~~~~
After she had the “to die for breakfast” (she would thank Angel for being so thoughtful), she called Dawn and then talked to Willow for awhile in private.
When they finished talking she removed her scrapbook and photos. She had time, and decided to put her pictures together. She put the reflections and mirrors pictures on opposing pages.
Buffy realized she was becoming depressed. She put away the pictures and went to find Angel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy wondered the corridors and hallway for a bit when she heard Angel speaking. She hung back when she heard, “…Europe will still be there after we’ve worked this out.” [Angel-Destiny]
She wondered why Angel would say that when she heard Spike ‘wow he really is alive’ and some other chic say “Maybe.” Who is that anyway? ‘I’ve got to get a better look.’ “Load of rubbish you say? Well isn’t that bloody interesting.” [Spike-Destiny]
‘I’ve missed out on the whole convo. DAMN. Guess I’ll just hang out and find out what’s up and huh…Harmony?’ Buffy laughed to herself. ‘She really is Angel’s secretary.’ She walked towards her desk and asked. “What’s the what, Harm?”
“Slayer.” Harmony greeted and then did a double take. “Slayer? What are you doing here Buffy?”
“Never mind me Harmony. I won’t stake you. What’s up with those two?”
“Um, right..ok..sure. Spike is corporeal and I guess some kind of cup is important and they are fighting over it?” Buffy thought she didn’t sound too sure. Huh, some secretary she is, she saw Angel run after Spike, who had already exited the building. She figured she’d find out soon enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Come to find out the cup was to bestow human life…or so they were told.
Before Eve came in the office, Buffy was lecturing Spike and Angel while Gunn was watching and trying not to smirk.
“And did you know that the Brosnan wannabe took off?” Spike, Angel and Gunn nodded. Her anger boiled and steamed out when they nodded. “Oh.” She frowned and rolled her eyes when Eve came in.
Buffy tuned her out and glanced at Spike. He caught her meaning loud and clear. Spike pulled Gunn out and they followed Eve out the office door.
[Destiny- Angel says this to Gunn in the episode]
“He beat me, Buffy.”
“No way, Angel. It wasn’t even real.”
“Spike beat me, Buffy! He wanted it more than me…”
“Because you want it so badly. Otherwise Angel, Spike wouldn’t give a damn. Angel…”
He put his finger against her lips. He shook his head then mouthed “Don’t.”
~~~~~~~~
Thanksgiving was interesting. I took Buffy out to eat and I suggested a walk down at the beach. This is where I make my big confession. The one I tried to make days earlier but we kept getting interrupted.
“You have a something face.” She told me slightly exasperated that I’m about to ruin the mood.
“Yea, I suppose I do.” She raised an eyebrow at me and I continued. “Six years ago, almost to the day, you remember when I came to help you without you knowing about it? The Chumash Indians?”
“Yep. That was one of several times I was angry with you for making a decision without me. So under the guise of seeing my father, I came to confront you. I remember it, short and not so sweet.”
But she didn’t really remember it.
I put her hand against where my heart should have been beating. “Except that isn’t how it went. Buffy…I was the stupid one. If I hadn’t turned back the day then we would be standing here both of us breathing.”
I wanted to get it all out. She needed to know. I couldn’t carry this with me when she already knew what it was like to be with human me; I wanted her to know that I knew what it was like to be with her as human. And that I messed it all up.
“Shh.” She gently touched my lips. “I know. You told me and I forgive you. We don’t know the future Angel but we do know that someday in who knows how long, you’ll finally redeem yourself…with my help of course.” She kissed me then and she wouldn’t let me talk anymore about it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Author’s note: Vampires in Whedon-world are reported to not have reflections. They can have their pictures taken though. Vampires can’t have their minds read, but if it’s demon who does it through singing; well that’s a horse of a different color.
*****************************************************
I was very happy that Angel agreed to have his picture taken with me and for me so we could send something to my sister and other family. You know, Willow, Xander, Giles and Faith. I wanted to let them know we were thinking about them; give them something to look at as they think of us.
Christmas was a calm and happy event. We had dinner with Wes, Fred, Gunn and Spike. Fred was full of life and bubbly. She reminded me of me before all the darkness came in my life. Innocent. I didn’t want that to leave her. She and I spent some time together, getting to know each other. She and I were alike in a lot of ways. Single child, growing up different from a lot of people; She had both her parents all the way and didn’t have false memories of a sister. She’s also a scientist. Don’t tell her I said so but sometimes she’s a bit of a blond.
The guys were watching some hockey game and Fred was looking through my scrapbooks. “You know Fred; I have a lot of extra stuff. If you want to take a book and some scrap fillers for your photos, that’d be alright with me.”
“Oh, I couldn’t…” She must have saw my face. “If you’re sure, I’d love to. I can also show you some pictures of Angel that we took at the hotel.” Then Fred stopped and I realized she was going through my Liam album.
Most of it was just loose pictures but some were already done.
The one thing about portal hopping was that every once in awhile I would end up in past Sunnydale and I would sneak in my house while I knew the other Buffy was out and take some wallet photos I knew she’d not miss. Sometimes I couldn’t take any at all. You know, alternate dimension, things were not always on the same page.
“Buffy, these are amazing.” She also questioned the validity of the pictures with Angel outside. I took a moment to breathe and started my shpill on portal hopping and meeting Angel in the future. “That’s why the pictures are labeled Liam.” Fred noticed more than I gave her credit for I guess.
She questioned me endlessly. I answered everything as best as I could. I looked up when I felt his eyes on me.
” Merry Christmas Fred.” Angel, even though he was looking at me, he spoke to her. Someone called his name and he looked over his shoulder, laughed and looked back at us. ” I was thinking we should have a toast before we end the night.” That was our cue. Fred and I walked out into the front room where the guys were standing around waiting for us, I guessed.
Wes handed Fred a glass of wine. She smiled so big at him that I wondered why Wes was dancing around and not getting straight to it.
Angel handed me a glass, I glanced around noting everyone was drinking. Could I really drink wine since I was pregnant? Angel must have read my mind. “One or two sips won’t hurt, lass.” He murmured happliy.
I saw Spike straighten up from his slouch on the couch and knew then Spike figured out what was off about me too.
Gunn brought us all back to the fore and made a toast. “To family and reflections. Because what we do, reflects on each of us.” And suddenly I didn’t feel much like sipping my drink, I felt like gulping it down. If only Gunn knew how those words could have come back to bite him in the ass. Blessedly for him, I’m here and Angel is here and together we are going to stop whatever it is that’s going to happen.
So we drank to family and reflections. All the while I kept seeing in my mind’s eye the image of Liam reflecting on the wall and in the mirror.
Everyone said merry christmas and good night, everyone that is but Spike. As soon as we couldn’t hear footsteps anymore and we heard the elevator going down, Spike wasted no time. “Bloody hell! You’re carrying the poof’s brat!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike was thrown out. I opened the door and Buffy threw him out. I probably shouldn’t have let her but for a little less than a month she is still the slayer. He was damn lucky Buffy didn’t stake his sorry ass. I’m not sure who was more shocked when she punched him, me or him.
The new year came almost too soon. Buffy and I spent our time in doors, She was feeling poorly. I was worried she might be sick. She assured me it was just symptoms of earlier pregnancy. I wasn’t too sure, I left it alone though. For now at least. She has this new hobby. It’s kinda crazy and just a bit cute to watch her work. She’s also a little obsessed with it. She takes pictures and puts them in an album, a scrapbook she corrects me. Since she can’t really take pictures of herself, I’ve decided to help her out. I’ve even figured out how to do some of this stuff. She also hates that I try to do it. She’s already showing with her pregnancy. She has been wearing those empire waist dresses or shirts so that its not as noticeable but when its just the two of us; she likes walking around with her shirt pulled up or no shirt at all. I enjoy it too.
I know what you must be thinking.. Well not really. I’m not a mind reader. That’s Lorne’s department. I hear the baby’s small but steady heartbeat. It’s quiet and soothing. Being with Buffy arouses and soothes me all at once. It’s scary and amazing. Ta mo chroi istigh inti. (I love her).
I was looking at some of pictures with her when I randomly picked a spot to open in her album. A different picture of “Liam”. I laughed and she looked over to see what amused me.
Her face fell and she started crying. I read what the picture said. Sometimes I can be such a jerk. Also there is no way in this universe that I’d ever have facial hair. Well, unless Buffy persuades me differently. In the corner, I saw that Buffy had taken the picture. I apologized and held her. She didn’t have to say anything. I didn’t say anything else. In fact, I thought about when I saw Angelus that night I found Buffy. He did seem different. Still him but almost like he wanted it over and done with it. I mean, come on. I’d never have given up a fight just like that. Angelus did. It’s weird.
I flipped the page so she didn’t have to see that one anymore. Next was a set of Buffy. “When you get your shanshu, I’ll take some pictures of you…” She trailed off and frowned at me.
I bet I knew why she stopped. “Buffy, you can take pictures of me now if you want. I don’t mind.” She laughed sheepishly at me and handed me a photo. “I did, if you remember, you asked me if I had taken a picture and I told you I was just adjusting the lens.. You put up such a fuss over getting christmas pictures done I thought it was because you didn’t want them taken.”
So to fix the problem I wrote, “Love, Angel” on it and handed it back to her. What was it about love that makes a person do things they don’t normally do?
We put away the pictures and napped together. After all, it wasn’t every day that we could be together like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Lorne, I know it’s quitting time but could you meet me in my office, please?”
“
Lorne chortled gleefully when he met the Slayer. “Angel no wonder this blond bombshell stars in your future.”
Buffy blushed and Angel rolled his eyes but laughed.
I glared at him and wondered not for the first time how he could be so damn happy and keep his soul.
“Am I reading you Buffykins? I gotta tell you, I certainly don’t want to hear Angel cakes over there sing.” Lorne chuckled nervously and hoped his words sounded sincere.
“Maybe if he hummed? Could you read..”
“What! Buffy, Lorne’s going to read you.”
“He should read you! I mean come on Angel, don’t you want to know how you’re keeping your soul? I’ve never seen you laugh so much or been so happy.”
She wasn’t angry not really. It just unnerved her that being around him was making him happy. He seemed carefree and it worried a girl that maybe a certain demon was going to make the Angel and Buffy show appearance.
Angel supposed he did want to know but really hadn’t even thought about how happy he’s been since returning with Buffy.
Lorne noticed the change of mood in Angel as well. They all did. They all told Lorne he needed to be read. Angel’s aura tingled when he laughed. Good vibes but all the same maybe he should hear him sing.
He sighed. “Alright sunshine let’s hear something besides good ol’ Mandy.”
He took an unneeded breath but it helped to center him. Like Buffy centers him. She’s his breath of fresh air and sunshine.
//I know I’ve been mistaken
but just give me a break and see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
and if you chose to walk away I’d still be right here waiting
searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting
I hope you’re not intending to be so condescending
it’s as much as i can take
and you’re so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break
chorus
I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Why can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I’ve made along the way
but I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting
but you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
you always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
and if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting\\
Staind: Right Here
*No copy right infringements intended. this song works for Angel and Buffy tho. I love this song. I enjoy Staind*
He stopped and looked at Buffy who her head on her arms laying on the desk and was smiling gently at him. Lorne was wiping his eyes. He didn’t think he was that bad.
“Uh, perhaps Buffy should sing and then we discuss this somewhere a bit more private.” Lorne actually looked more green to Angel, if that was even possible.
Buffy warned them. “I’m not a singer, I’m a fighter. So you’re warned.”
//I don’t know what to say to you
I’m not sure how to get through
I’ve repeated myself only a dozen times
I wonder how many more
that you won’t hear
Take a walk on the wilde side
put yourself in my shoes
take a walk on the wilde side
switch me for you
I can’t help but wonder
am I wasting my breath
we are just going to come right back
here to the same damn mess
and I’m usually right
if only about this
we always get lost
so lost
in the dark ,dank abyss
chorus
I can’t explain what this does to me
guess it confuses me
but can you blame me
an empty nothingness
just a black hole
its how I feel inside from you
I’m gonna walk on the wild side
I want to walk in your shoes
Even if nothing takes my vacant body
I still want to reside in you, next to you
I’ll talk a walk on the wildeside
let me be with you
I want to see what everyone else gets
to see, I want to know who
I’ll the body it’s just a shell
I want to walk beside your soul
I’m walking the wildeside
walking with you
everyone knows you
no, not like I do.\\
*Brit: Wilde Side
She looked at the two demons in front of her and felt, oddly enough, a lot better.
Angel had never heard her sing before but he could probably listen to her sing lullaby’s to their baby in a few months.
Lorne read it all, saw it all. Angel and Buffy show indeed. Champions of Light, company to heartache and misery. A long hard road of all that and more were to come but maybe they could change some of it. He doubted it. He wanted to be proved wrong.
~~~~~
Buffy couldn’t even wait for us to sit down, “Tell us if you saw us going to Pylea to get Groo to save Cordy!”
Lorne snorted “And then some Bumpkin. You need to know something else first. When Angel killed his soulless self, he managed to…bind, anchor, trap, take your pick, his soul is going no where. Angelus is truly dead.” Lorne pointed to Buffy’s bump..ooh I get it. Bumpkin. funny. “The little cookies baking in the oven definitely belong to you.” He pointed to me. Something else registered too. Cookies? Did he go with the that analogy because he saw that Buffy had given me that one…cookies? as in more than one…
“..two babies Lorne?” Buffy speak..cluing in now.
“Yea Lorne, I hear one heartbeat.”
Then Buffy shrugged her shoulders. Guess she didn’t realize I could hear that too.
Lorne shifted and smelled nervous. “Well.. um I must have had a slip of the tongue. I meant cookie. I mean one baby. Besides didn’t you hear what I said. Angel’s soul is his and the demon is gone”
Buffy hugged me so fast and hard that I forgot she was pregnant. Almost. We kissed so passionately, I was surprised that we didn’t burn our clothes off.
Lorne cleared his throat and we parted but stayed close, our arms around each other and she tucked her head under my chin.
“All in good time kiddos. You have to read that letter that’s waiting for you. Then I suggest sending Spike to kill that demon. Angel, it’s time to remember why we agreed to take on Wolfram and Hart. You somehow have to go to Pylea. You need to get yourself to a doctor Buffy. You know, just because that’s what women do these days. And I think I’m done for now. We’ll talk more later.”
Lorne let himself out. He figured Angel would want to be alone with Buffy now that he knew it would be completely safe.
He figured right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Letter
Angel hadn’t actually read this letter. He also thought Buffy had read it. She had respected his privacy and he had wanted to respect hers. Now he wondered if he would hesitate any more after this.
” Could you, will you read it to me? I just… it’s so weird for me Angel. Liam was, is, will be, … you. I know this. But he wasn’t you. Just like Angelus was a part of you, Liam was a part of you or will be a part of you. I’m so confused Angel. Please?”
Angel nodded and took it from her. She stayed over by the windows.
“Mo gra (My love)
Every night as you sleep, I whisper to you how much I love you.”
“Buffy.. I can’t read this. It’s like you said, just a part of me. I can’t read this..”
“If you read it, then you’ll know too. The same mistake can’t happen twice. Right?” Her eyes pleaded with him. He nodded and continued.
“I pray to God, Buffy, that He watches over you. I pray that if you are pregnant that God keeps our baby safe too.
A chroi! (dear heart) Sasaigh maith do mise (Please forgive me). Ta mu isc orm ( I feel sick) Ionuin (Beloved) Ta me chomh mor sini ngra leat. (I love you so much)
It’s midnight. You are sleeping peacefully and I damn myself again for letting you sleep so. But there isn’t anything to be done.
A demon, the one in the picture; attacked me months after I was human. Too long of a story so I’ll shorten it for you. The venom in its claws are deadly. I searched from months, researched all that I could, contacted everyone I knew and found nothing. I’m slowly and painfully dying Buffy. When I found you in the graveyard, I renewed my researched, looked for new hope, talked to new contacts but still nothing. The drugs that I’ve been given, they help the pain subside to a dull ache. An ache I’ve learned to live with, one that isn’t noticeable.”
Angel paused and stammered, “D-drugs? Drugs, Buffy?”
Her body turned toward him but she kept her face turned away.” I noticed some tiny puncture marks on his hips. I.. I guess I should have at least asked. God Angel, I didn’t want to know.” He smelled her grief and fresh tears sliding down her warm cheeks. “Just finish it.”
He picked up the book and murmured to Buffy. “It won’t ever be, we won’t let it happen baby.”
“My organs and muscle tissue are deteriorating and all I can think about is you. Please find a way home baby. Find a way to stop this and knock some sense into me. Lord, Buffy tonight I’m going to deliberately seek out the vampire who I vaguely recall is named Dru. I’m not sure if I can not remember her because of becoming human or because of this nameless disease.
Making love to you Buffy, being in the light outside with you surrounding by the sun’s warmth; has been the best my life has ever been. Codladh go maith mo gra (sleep well my love) and know I watched over you and prayed for you every night. I’m sorry I won’t be coming home. Go mbeannai Dia thu (may God bless you).
Hey, don’t forget, I’ll be with you soon and that damn pesky soul leaving at a moments happiness won’t be a problem.
Always,
Liam.”
Buffy had been keening quietly and to be honest, it scared me. I should have read it. I would have known so much sooner and I didn’t. Well next time, privacy be damned. I held her while she cried and it seemed like I had been doing this alot lately. I had this strange memory of watching Buffy kneel in front of a little boy who was crying. Apparently the little boy had been lost. Seriously, I’m a bit wigged. Buffy speak, I know, but sometimes her words are dead , pun intended, accurate.